These are the funniest one liners I have ever read..!!
"Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
"So, do you live around here often?"
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and an IUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he just pulled out a quarter?
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room's all shiny.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He's much smarter now... Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record had a skip. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a right." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a left. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other oneit wasn't doing what I was doing.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
Adding more and more as I will get more...