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    Talking Cricket Jokes

    Specially For Indian Team In Honour Of Their Performance



    Today's HOT NEWS...:

    Serious fight between pakistan players and indian players,

    for the window seats in the aeroplane.
    Two properties for sale in South Mumbai -
    1) Brabourne Stadium
    2) Wankhede Stadium
    Reporter:U told that u hav great team and u will be winning the world cup but ??

    Dravid: " ha ha april fool . see i am the first one to fool 100 crore people "
    TATA SKY laiye
    Oye pape ab ek aur offer ab aap HRITIK ke home theatre mein Hritik hi nahi balki puri INDIAN TEAM ke saath baith kar world cup dekh sakte hain!
    And there may be one additional offer(2nd Prize).
    You can watch Bangladesh VS Ireland match in super8(where best 8 teams qualify!!!!!!!)with both Indian and Pak team...

    Reporter: What was the length of Indian Inning in last match ?
    One of the spectator: When I went to toilet, Utappa and Ganguly were stepping through creases and when i came back Munaf got caught out!!

    India's next three matches:



    April 2 - India vs St.Xaviers high School



    April 5 - India vs Sanskar Vidyalaya



    May 3 - India vs Nirmala Girls' College

    Two people to blame for world cup failure

    1. Indira gandhi (for creating Bangladesh)
    2. Hanuman.... ( Not destroying Lanka completely)

    Srilankan bowler Malinga recently attached a notice board on his colorful hair -

    "PASHU-PANKHI KRUPYA DHYAN DE
    YAHA PESHAB KARNA MANA HAI"
    Virgin will never sponser Indian team
    COz indian team always gets fucked up !!!!
    DIVORCE COURT SCENE :
    The Judge (J.) asks the little (LG):
    Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your
    mummy?
    LG - No, my mummy beats me.
    J. - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
    LG - No, my daddy beats me too.
    J. - Well then, who do you want to live with?
    LG - I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody
    !!!

    Phone Call for Sachin:
    Indian Team Manager : "Hello"(over Phone)
    Wife :"Can I talk to Sachin, this is his wife."
    Indian Team Manager:"Sorry, he is just going to bat"

    Wife:"No Problem Manager, I will Hold on"
    What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
    The entire Indian Innings.

    Where do Indian batsmen perform there best?
    In Advertisements.

    When would Agarkar have 100 runs against his name?
    When he is bowling.

    What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Indian batsmen?
    The walk back to the pavilion.

    How to increase the chances of Indian batsmen playing out the entire 50
    overs?
    Try giving them two innings to begin with, then try three and so on.

    What is the Indian version of a hat-trick?
    3 runs in 3 balls

    What is the height of optimism ?
    Sehwag coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.


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    V.H.SHAH

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    ....................................

    What are the four words that will destroy any Indian batsman?

    Did you bat today?


    What is the difference between an Indian batsman and an Australian one?

    100 runs.


    What is the difference between batteries and Indian cricketers?


    Batteries have a positive side

    How do you force Indian cricketers to run between wickets?
    You place food on either end.

    Q: “What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Indian batsmen?”
    A: “The walk back to the pavilion.”

    Q: “What is the Indian version of a hat-trick?”
    A: “3 runs in 3 balls.”

    Q: “Where do Indian batsmen perform their best?”
    A. “In advertisements.”

    Q. “What is the height of optimism?”
    A. “Sehwag coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.”

    Que: Why Greg Chappel was missing Suresh Raina in WC ?
    Ans: He was not happy with team's performance against Bermuda.

    Q. “What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?”
    A. “The entire Indian innings!”

    How to increase the chances of Indian batsmen playing out the entire 50
    overs?
    Try giving them two innings to begin with, then try three and so on


    What do you say when Dravid is put in jail?
    .
    Problem
    ...
    What do you say when Dravid, Sachin & Sehwag are put in jail?
    .
    Problem
    ...
    What do you say when half the team is put in jail?
    .
    Problem
    ...
    What do you say when the WHOLE team is put in jail?
    .
    PROBLEM SOLVED

    What do Indian Batsmen & Michael Jackson have in common
    They both wear gloves for no reason

    If Flintoff & 5 England players are in a car, who is driving?
    St. Lucia Police

    If Dravid & 5 Indian players are in a car, who is driving?
    Stuntman for Pepsi Ad

    If Inzie & 5 Paki players are in a car, who is driving?
    Indian Bookie

    Flintoff, Warne, Inzie and Shewag are sitting on the terrace of 24 floor Jamaica Pegasus Hotel, drinking Beer.

    Suddenly,
    Flintoff looks at others, says 'For Queen & England'
    & jumps off the top.
    Next Warne jumps off the top shouting 'For Foster's & Oz, mate'

    Now is the turn of Inzie.
    He screams, "this is for all the batsmen of the world"
    and pushes out Sehwag.


    Why does the Indian Team have the largest number of fans?
    Becuz unlike others, they don't have to waste money on W/C tickets


    You are in a locked room with a Tiger, a Cobra and Dhoni. You've a gun with 2 bullets. What should you do?
    Shoot Dhoni, TWICE.

    Other day I was in the court room.
    It was a divorce case & the Judge was asking the little kid who he wants to live with - Mother or Father?.

    The kid : "Neither. Both beat me. I'd rather be with the Indian Team"
    Judge : "Why, lil anurag?"
    Lil Anurag: "Because they never beat anyone"


    Albert Einstein meets a man: "What is your IQ?"
    The man:"250"
    Einstein: "wonderful, we will meet later & discuss general relativity!"
    Next, he meets a lady: "What is your IQ?"
    The lady: "144"
    Einstein: "Great, we will meet later & discuss politics"

    Einstein then meets another person: "What is your IQ?"
    The person: "51"
    Einstein thinks for a moment & says: "Oooh Haah India"


    what do you call a batsman who becomes blind?
    Sachin Tendulkar

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    ........................................

    McGrath, Fleming & Agarkar were walking down Jamaica when they noticed a dead female - nude.

    Out of respect, McGrath placed his cap over her right breast, Fleming over her left breast and Agarkar placed his cap over her crotch.

    Jamaican policeman arrived & while inspecting lifted up Aussie cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.

    Next, he lifted Kiwi cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more.

    Last, he lifted the Indies cap, replaced it, lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it once more.

    Agarkar was upset and asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking?"
    .
    .
    "Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Indies cap, I find an asshole"



    FLASH FLASH FLASH

    NEW INDIAN TEAMS

    1. india seniors... (will live the rest of their lives in old age homes)

    captain- rahul dravid

    2. india blue .......(will act in ads)

    captain- yuvraj singh

    3. INDIA LAGAAN......( will try and win the worldcup.)
    captain - AAMIR KHAN



    After the shameful defeat of Indian cricket team in
    CWC 07 in west indies, the team members were not able to
    show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and
    rather just pack up in hotel rooms.

    Dravid could not resist for too long not being
    able to go out shopping and have fun. So he disguises himself as a
    Sardar and goes out. he meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets
    him "Hi Dravid!"

    Surprised for having been caught he comes back and
    makes himself up as a muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out. Yet same
    again - the same woman greets him "Hi Dravid!".

    Dravid comes back determined to give it yet another
    try with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain
    - the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Dravid!".
    Bewildered by now, he could not help asking,

    "How did you recongise me?"

    The lady replied - "I am Shewag!"

    BCCI Hiring Freshers
    BCCI OFF CAMPUS PROGRAM

    Vacancies

    1) Captain (P-001),

    2) Vice Captain (P-002),

    3) Coach (P-003) and

    4) Team Members (P-004)

    Eligibility Criteria

    We are looking for Audience who have consistently watched all the world cup matches and who have scored over 65 runs in Room Cricket & Street Cricket


    *Experience in Football, Volley ball is an added advantage ….

    *Models, Actors (Advertisements) are most preferable…..

    *LKG & UKG Teachers are preferable for the post of coach.

    Selection Process

    1. Batting Test (Vs Bermuda) (Candidate must score at least 50 runs )
    2. Bowling/Fielding Test (Candidate should not bowl more than 3 wides /no balls in an Over)
    3. HR Interview

    (Candidates will be called upon for the selection process based on the Eligibility Criteria)

    *Send ur resumes with subject Name/Post/Max runs scored E.g. Pappu/P-004/37 to callforcric@bcci.com

    Venue : YMCA Grounds , nandanam

    Natesan Park , T.Nagar

    Date: 01-Apr-2007

    Reference Books:

    1) "Aap bhi Batsman ban sakte hein!" by Munaf Patel

    2) "Cricket in 21 days " by Navjot Singh Buddhu

    3) "From Losing a match to Murdering a coach" by Inzamam

    5) "The complete cricket manual" by Mandira Beedi

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    .................................................. ...

    At the start of the Indian innings(254 required for a win) against Sri Lanka in CWC 2007,
    Ganguly to shewag "I am not comfortable with Malingas's pace. So I
    will attack Vaas and u take care of Malinga."

    After 4 overs(with hardly any runs on the board),
    Shewag to Ganguly "These guys are bowling very fast. We will see
    them off and then attack jayasurya and murali."

    After 16 overs(when murali and jayasurya were bowling),
    Shewag to Dravid (Ganguly out) "I don't think we can score off these guys as
    well. We will wait for Dilshan and Chamara Silva. Surely we can easily
    attack them. After all, Silva is a part-time bowler."

    After Silva bowled some overs,
    Dravid to Dhoni (Half the Indian team out) "Don't worry, Dhoni. I heard that England
    bowlers are easier to score off. We will play out 50 overs and attack in the
    next match."

    At the end of the match,
    Munaf to Dravid "Why didn't u try to force the pace?"

    Dravid to Munaf " we will try our best in the next match"


    Partiv Patel is trying to pass high school.
    His teacher says: "Answer correctly & you will pass - What is 14-3?"
    Partiv: "9"
    the rest of the indian team say: "give him another chance, give him another chance!"

    So the teacher says "Okay, what is 7+7?"
    Partiv: "10"
    The team: "give him another chance, give him another chance!"

    The teacher says, "OK, what is 3x3?"
    Partiv: "9"
    .
    .
    the rest of the team say "give him another chance, give him another chance!"

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    .........................................

    new sholay has a new dialogue...

    jab pachees pachees kos duur kisi gao main . jab koi bachcha rotha hai to.. maa kehti hai...

    "beta so jaa... so jaa nahin to india haar jayega"


    How do you make a billion people fall asleep at the same time?
    Make them watch Ganguly play against SL


    How come Sri Lanka has started winning in cricket?
    They have learned to bat, bowl, field and chuck.

    on career day...
    children talked about what their parents did....

    there was a policeman, doctor, engineer, chef, mechanic, lawyer.

    then came the turn of a young boy..
    he stood up and said

    "my father is a strip dancer and a gay exotic bar"

    all were silent...

    the teacher asked him..
    is it true ?

    he said to the teacher secretly//
    "i didn't want to say them that my father plays cricket for india"

    Sachin went to heaven, and God showed him his new home. It was a blue house with a India Star on the door.

    Sachin looks across the street and sees a HUGE, GIGANTIC mansion with Yellow & Gold, and a giant Aussie logo on the door.

    Sachin says to God:
    "why does Punter have a bigger house than me?"
    .
    .
    God turned to him and says:
    "That ain’t Punter’s house, that’s mine."
    1st day at school, the teacher asked "Who all think Ganguly should be captain?"

    Everybody raised their hand except a little girl in the back.
    Teacher asks the Lil Girl why she didn’t raise her hand.

    Lil girl: "My daddy and mommy are Dravid fans, so I am a Dravid fan too"

    Teacher: "What if I said your daddy and mommy are idiots?"

    "Well then I guess I’d be Ganguly Fan!!"

    Sehwag Ko MAYUR Pehnao
    Sachin Ko Sunfeast Biscuit Khilao
    Dhoni ko Brylcream lagwao
    Ganguly Ko Chawanprash Khilao
    YuvRaj ko WestLife Dress Pehnao
    Dravid ko Max-Life Insurance karado
    Zaheer Ko Pepsi Pilao

    Lekin Is Sab Ch****yon Ko Cricket Mat Khilwao !!!!!

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    .........................

    Why doesn’t the crowd blink when Sehwag goes out to bat?
    There just is no time until he gets out again.

    What is an handcuffed Indian Cricketer called?
    A cricketer you can trust.

    match b/w india and any other team

    1) Declaring the winner: If aNy team bats first and scores x runs then the target for India will be revised to x/2. They need to score (x/2)+1 runs to be declared winner. If India bats first then the number of overs for A will be reduced to 25. Even after these modifications India contrive to lose, they will be awarded psychological victory.

    2) Fielding restrictions: When India is fielding, as soon as any fielder touches the ball, it will be deemed as dead ball and other team batsmen will only be allowed to complete that run. This modification is being done to eliminate time being wasted for overthrows etc.

    3) By popular demand from Indian players, a few additional coaches have been included in the touring party with immediate effect. They are,
    Batting coach : DILIP VENGSARKAR
    Bowling Coach(with experience in conditions) : KAPIL DEV
    Fielding Coach : SIDDHU(Dual responsibility)
    TV Commercials Coach : Salman Khan
    Video Coach : Name will be announced later


    Any other suggestions are welcome. We at the ICC would like to
    ascertain again our commitment to spread the game of cricket globally, from Mozambique to Maldives and from Turkmenistan to Tibet.

    A family among blue billion went shopping.

    The son picks up a t-shirt with aussie team colours & says to his sister: "I like aussies & I want this t-shirt!"

    The sister outraged, whacks him & says, "Go talk to mother"

    Off goes boy, to his mother: "Mum, I like aussies & I want this t-shirt!"

    The mother outraged, whacks him & says, "Go talk to your father"

    Off he goes to his father: "Dad, I like aussies & I want this t-shirt!"

    The father outraged, whacks him & says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

    Later, while at having dinner at restaurant, father turns to the son and asks, "Son, I hope you’ve learned an important lesson today?"

    The boy turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have".
    Father says,"Good boy, and what is it?"
    .
    .
    The boy replies "I’ve only been an aussie supporter for an hour and already I hate you blue bastards!!!!!!!

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    .....................
    what's the difference between Indian team & 4 Pin plugs?
    .
    Nothing..
    .
    .
    They are both useless



    During drinks break, Chappel calls Harbajan aside & says: "look son, put something warm on & grab something to drink"

    The batsmen returned to the pitch and Harbajan stays near the boundary.

    Greg: "Whats that you have there?"

    Bajji: "Its a thermal flask boss"

    Greg: "Whats it for?"

    Bajji: "Oh, its for keeping food and drink warm or cold"

    Greg: "Oh, so what you got in there"

    Bajji: "A cup of hot chai & chilled lassi"

    An Indie goes to Jamaica General Hospital

    He says to the doctor: "somethings wrong with my arse, doctor"

    Doctor: "What's wrong with it?"

    Indie: "My arse keeps singing 'Oooh Haaah India'.."

    Doctor: "Don't worry. Its normal. All assholes sing that"




    Why is IT dept getting ready to raid BCCI?
    .
    .
    Becuz BCCI is claiming Rs. 1 lac a year to polish trophies



    Zaheer Khan goes to Chappell with a problem

    Zaheer: "Boss I've a problem at home. A jigsaw puzzle, I can't solve & its affecting my bowling"

    Chappell says: "Zaheer, bring it in tomorrow & we will look into it"

    So Zaheer brings it next day. He empties the box & says:
    "Look boss, there's a nice pic of a chicken on the front but I can't seem to get it right"

    "Zaheer", says Chappell: "put the fuckin kellogs away"



    Indian Govt has decided to help Pak cricket team and also to strengthen mutual friendship and diplomatic relation

    how....
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    By give our Coach Greg to Coachless Pak team
    Any way we no need a Coach

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    .............................
    What do the blue billion do, when Indian Team wins World Cup?
    .
    .
    They quit Brian Lara Cricket 2007 on their PC


    Sachin with his slipped disc was still screaming in agony when they got him to hospital.

    "For Heaven’s sake," said the doctor, "don’t be such a baby, you’re supposed to be tough. Anjali's having your baby next door and she’s not making anything like the noise that you do."

    "That’s as may be," wailed Sachin, "but, in her case, nobody’s trying to push anything back in."
    Thought would pull this one upto 100, but has to wait till 2mrw (I mean later today)

    but one for the road .. sorry .. bed.

    If Vengsarkar and 5 Indian selectors are in a car, who is driving it?
    .
    .
    No one, car runs 'ram-barosa'



    Pepsi said -
    Aaja India
    n Lo!!
    Aagaya India...


    Shehwag's son: arey dekho maa... papa sixer pe soxer maar rahe hai
    Shehwag's wife: Beta theek se dekh voh ADVERTISEMENT hai....

    Tendulkar visits a school to talk to kids.
    Tendulkar asks: "Can anyone tell me what a tragedy is?"

    Boy 1: "If my friend was playing gully-cricket and is run over by a car that would be a tragedy"

    "No" says Tendulkar "that would be an accident"

    Boy 2: "If our school bus full of students fell into bandra creek, that would be a tragedy"

    "No" says Tendulkar "that would be a great loss"

    After some time, a boy at the back puts his hand up and says:
    "If a plane with Tendulkar and team is blown up by a bomb, it would be a tragedy"

    Tendulkar beams and squeaks: "Now, can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

    Boy 2: "Well it would not be an accident and it certainly would not be a great loss"

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    .............................
    Sehwag is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts, very happy

    His mother asks him why he is celebrating

    Sehwag: "Well ma, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 43 days"

    "And that’s good?" asks mother

    Sehwag: "You bet, ma. It says 3 to 6 years on the box"



    What do Nagma & the Indian Cricket Team have in common?
    .
    Both have been screwed by Saurav Ganguli


    When Tendulkar hears that a movie called 'Sachin' has been released in Australia, he happily goes to see the movie

    But after seeing he movie, he gets very angry and goes straight to the director of the movie :"You named your movie 'Sachin', but it has got nothing to with me!"

    The director laughs: "You people too made 'Border', but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?"

    Fleming and Lara are taking a stroll after dinner

    A Barbados thundershower comes down & totally drenches them & then the power trips off, leaving them in pitch darkness.

    Fleming: "Shit! the matchbox got wet, otherwise we could've had some light"

    At that, Lara whips out his cell phone and starts calling.

    Fleming: "Good idea Brian! Are u calling a taxi?"

    Lara: "No, I am calling the Paki team. They fix matches!"



    ICC changed teams in Group B for 2011 to make india enter d 2nd round

    1.India
    2.Bermuda A
    3.Bermuda B
    4.Bermuda C



    What's the difference between Dhoni and an Onion?
    .
    Nobody cries when you chop up Dhoni

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    What the players were thinking - Indian team on their way to world cup 2007!
    Sehwag – Well on my day I can be match winner but the problem is that my day will come only 3 or 4 days in a year.
    Sachin – Well who cares to win. I have to hang in the team until i get 50 centuries. Oh these Mcgrath is not making my path easy. Shit now I am afraid to face him.
    Dravid – My job is to make a 50 that’s all.
    Yuvraj – When I reach a stage where I think I will get out of the team I will try to score a 50...
    Kaif – I will get 20 or 30 occasionally don’t ask more from me.
    Raina – hmm I have to score some runs unless I will be out of the team.
    Dhoni – I want to play for India yaar. But this coach is not giving me opportunity.
    Pathan – Do u know I bowled really well when I came to team. Now I forgot how to bowl Never mind I made it to the team I have to hang around for some time.
    Agarkar – ya right you know I am not going to win matches.
    Patel – Well I can bowl good overs when the batsman is out of form Seriously.
    Harbajan – I will bowl my 10 overs.
    Sreesanth – Well I have to stare at the batsman all the time May be they will feel sympathatic and give me wicket.

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