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Thread: Cricket Jokes

  1. #11
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    .........................

    BCCI Hiring Freshers to Indian cricket team....

    Vacancies

    1) Captain (P-001),

    2) Vice Captain (P-002),

    3) Coach (P-003) and

    4) Team Members (P-004)


    Eligibility Criteria


    We are looking for Audience who have consistently watched all the world cup matches and who have scored over 65 runs in Room Cricket & Street Cricket

    Experience in Football, Volley ball is an added advantage ….

    Models, Actors (Advertisements) are most preferable…..

    LKG & UKG Teachers are preferable for the post of coach.


    Selection Process


    1. Batting Test (Vs Bermuda) (Candidate must score at least 50 runs )
    2. Bowling/Fielding Test (Candidate should not bowl more than 3 wides /no balls in an Over)
    3. HR Interview

    (Candidates will be called upon for the selection process based on the Eligibility Criteria)


    Send ur resumes with subject Name/Post/Max runs scored E.g. Dhoni/P-004/37 to callforcric@bcci.com


    Venue : YMCA Grounds , nandanam

    Natesan Park , T.Nagar

    Date: 01-Apr-2007


    Reference Books:


    1) " Neengalum Batsmen Aagalam" by Munaf Patel

    2) "Cricket in 21 days " by 'Ellam Therincha Egambaram' Sidhu


    3) "Kolaiyum Seivan Cricketer " by Inzamam

    4) "Ungal Veedai Padhugappadhu Eppadi " by Dhoni


    Sponsors

    1) windtel

    2) which

    3) Kabsi

    4) State Bank of Athur

    5) Akka Mala

    6) Anniyan Bank

    7) Bank of Buruda

  2. #12
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    .......................
    Kapil Dev was appointed to improve Indian cricket grounds.

    He goes to a carpenter at Mohali & asks "Can you build me a box that is 2 inches high, 2 inches wide, and 150 feet long?"

    "Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?"

    "Well, you see," said Kapil, "I need to improve the ground at Nagpur and for that I need to send this garden hose."
    Q: Why ppl didn't protest Bermudian players ?
    A: Sare Bermudian players jitne products use nahi karte itni to hamara har player endorse karta hai... agar us pe hi rok laga denge to Bermudian players jiyenge kaise!!



    ehwag and Sachin were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute.

    After arguing for some time, they decided that they'll jump out of the plane and whose ever opens fastest, is the winner.

    Sehwag jumped first, pulled the cord and began floating towards the ground

    Sachin pulled his cord----nothing happened
    He pulled his safety cord------nothing happened

    In a matter of seconds he whizzed past sehwag, falling like a stone

    "OK.." shouted sehwag, taking off his harness, "so you want a fucking race!"

  3. #13
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    ........................
    Yesterday, Anjali rubbed up against Sachin and to her surprise felt something thick and rock hard under his trousers

    She took him upstairs to the bedroom but when she pulled of his pants she was shocked to find a foot long length of steel pipe between his legs.

    "How did you get that?" she aked

    "In West Indies, I noticed p**is dripping" he replied

    "So you went to see the doctor?" she asked

    "Couldn't find a Doctor, only a plumber"



    Sachin's wife told him to get some Vegetables from market. He dressed in women's dress so that nobody can recognises him and went to market, in market one healthy lady asked him, hi sahin, how r u? surprised sachin asked her 'how u recognised me'? the lady quietly replied, "hey,I am DHONI"


    Sachin's wife : Can you go to the market please?

    Sachin : I've lost the World Cup so I'm not sure if the public will respect me.

    Wife : It's ok, wear my saree and people will recognise you as some lady........



    Sachin wears his wife's saree and enters the market. While shopping, a lady near him smiles at him and asks "Hi Sachin, how are you?"

    Sachin is shocked because he thought no one would recognise him.



    Sachin : How do you know it's me?

    Lady : Hi da, it's me Dravid!!



    Year 1981
    -----------------------------------------
    1. Prince Charles got married
    2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
    3. Australia lost the Ashes
    4. Pope Died

    1 year later Italy won the Food Ball World Cup(1982)
    2 years later India won the Cricket world Cup!!! (1983)

    Year 2005
    -----------------------------------------
    1. Prince Charles got married
    2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
    3. Australia lost the Ashes
    4. Pope Died

    1 year later Italy won the Food Ball World Cup(2006)
    2 years later will India win the world Cup ?????

    Ummeed pey Duniya kayam hai... !

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    Funny Video
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_htNEk2V6g

    We all know that Dravid is the "Great Wall" of India
    then what is Sachin? He is "The Hole in the Wall"
    and the great Chappel is "The A**Hole in the Wall"
    Difference Between His & Her Thoughts..
    HER DIARY……

    Friday night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

    Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior, I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I ad lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV, he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed.

    About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

    My life is a disaster.



    HIS DIARY……
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    Today India again lost the cricket match.
    DAMN IT.

  5. #15
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    ..........................
    Nothing to do with cricket, but I put this in for 2 reasons:

    1) the punch line is top class
    2) I hate to see this thread sink before the w/c is over
    (I think there will be a few more jokes in the month or so left)
    ----------
    Mandira felt sick and went to her family doctor
    "Mandira," said the doctor, "you're pregnant"

    "But that can't be. In extraa innings, we are all clothed at all times & we practise sex only with our eyes"

    "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that show is cockeyed"

    yeah, ok, I changed the joke to put in mandira/extraa inns


    Dhoni, Sehwag and Sachin were talking about why their batting sucks.

    All 3 agreed that thinking of going out to bat, scares them and their hands start shaking.

    Dhoni said, "My hands shake so bad, I cut my face, while shaving"

    Sehwag said, "My hands shake so bad, I slice the flowers off while trimming my garden"

    Sachin laughs and squeaks, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came 3 times!"

  6. #16
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    ..................................
    Another world cup in 2008
    The sponsors of the Indian team in the ICC CWC has decided to hold another world cup involving the following teams :

    1.India
    2.Japan
    3.Hong Kong
    4.Bhutan
    5.Nepal
    6.Hawai
    7.Congo
    8.Samoa Island
    9. Phillipines
    10. China
    11. Sweden
    12. Italy
    13. Luxemborg
    14. Estonia
    15. Russia
    16. Chile

    The tournament format will be the same................

    And INDIA is expected to win the tournament.

    Thats what the sponsors are hoping.

    The tickets to watch the first round matches.

    The matches will be played across venues in India and the home team will get direct entry into the Super 8's irrespective of whether it wins or losses

    American: Our Dogs find Bombs!


    Japanese: Our Fish play Football!


    Indian: To Kya hua.... Humaare to Gadhe bhi World Cup Khelte hain!



    What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
    The entire Indian Innings.

    Where do Indian batsmen perform there best?
    In Advertisements.

    When would Agarkar have 100 runs against his name?
    When he is bowling.

    What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Indian batsmen?
    The walk back to the pavilion.

    How to increase the chances of Indian batsmen playing out the entire 50
    overs?
    Try giving them two innings to begin with, then try three and so on.

    What is the Indian version of a hat-trick?
    3 runs in 3 balls

  7. #17
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    ............................................

    Phone Call for Sehwag:
    Indian Team Manager : "Hello"(over Phone)
    Wife :"Can I talk to Sehwag, this is his wife."
    Indian Team Manager:"Sorry, he is just going to bat"
    Wife:"No Problem Manager, I will Hold on"



    What do Dhoni and a drug addict have in common ?
    They both wonder where their next score will come from



    Sachin declared retirement
    In what could be termed as one of the most shocking decisions ,today Sachin convened a press conference at his Mumbai residence and announced his retirement from International cricket.
    An emotional looking Sachin declared

    " I no longer feel like being there whenever I go out to play.My body does not cooperate with my spirit.
    I certainly would have liked to go on and on, scoring 50 + test centuries and 20,000 test runs and play till the 2015 world cup.

    And also wanted to play along with my Son, when he is elected to play for India.

    But the Indian Public has shown to me that I have to perform on Key situations and contribute more positively towards Indian victories.But I can't play like that any more. If the situation is tense, I tend to fail ,more often than not, which is rather disappointing.

    Hence this decision.

    I dedicate my career to My father and all the angry fans of India.

    With this he rose and left the dais.


    How nice it could be if this turns out to be true.

    Happy April fools day !


    What's the difference between George Michael's chin and Rahul Dravid's bat? George's chin has hit more balls.



    Q - Dravid asks Kumble to bring a Pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle of Pepsi but goes directly to Shewag. Why?
    Ans: SHEWAG is an opener



    After the World cup, Saurabh Ganguly has a head-on with Ricky Ponting. And Ponting says- "Humare paas Brett Lee hai, Glenn McGrath hai, aura ab toh World Cup bhi hai. Tumhare paas kya hai?"
    Ganguly replies "Humaare paas?? Humare paas...Ma hai. Sehwag ki Ma!!"



    New Rules for Indian Cricket- CWC 2011
    1) Declaring the winner: If Opponent team bats first and scores x runs then the target for India will be revised to x/2. They need to score (x/2)+I runs to be declared winner. If India bats first then the number of overs for Opposition will be reduced to 25. Even after these modifications India contrive to lose, they will be awarded psychological victory.

    2) Fielding restrictions: When India is fielding, as soon as any fielder touches the ball, it will be deemed as dead ball and Opposition batsmen will only be allowed to complete that run. This modification is being done to eliminate time being wasted for overthrows etc.

    3) By popular demand from Indian players, a few additional coaches have been included in the touring party with immediate effect. They are: Batting coach : Ravi Shastri. Bowling Coach (with experience in Home conditions): Chetan Sharma. Fielding Coach : Ravi Shastri (Dual responsibility). TV Commercials Coach : Salman Khan. Video Coach : Name will be announced later.



    Why Dravid did not ask Tendulkar and chose Kumble to bring pepsi?
    Because Tendulkas hand shake too much of fear.

  8. #18
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    .................................
    Dhoni & Harbajan go on a fishing trip for 5 days

    They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the rowboat and even a cabin

    1st day they go fishing, don't catch anything
    2nd day they go fishing, don't catch anything
    3rd day they go fishing, don't catch anything
    4th day they go fishing, don't catch anything

    Finally, on the last day of their vacation, Dhoni catches ONE fish

    As they're fllying back Dhoni turns to Harbajan and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us 1 lac rupees?"

    Harbajan says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"





    Agarkar (finally) has been thrown out of the team and decides to work as handyman at Sachin's house

    Sachin accepts and on the 1st day Agarkar promptly turns up

    Sachin : "Well, first, off, you can paint my porch"

    A short time later, Agarkar comes around & says: "Sachina, I've finished and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats"

    Impressed, Sachin calls Anjali and asks for 'Boost' for two.

    "And by the way," Agarkar added,
    "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari"




    As the 1989 Indian tour of Pakistan was sachin's debut and 1st time in a star hotel, the captain kris srikanth was breaking in the pipsqueak.

    kris showed tendulkar best place to eat, shop and all.

    The next morning, as the team was getting ready to go to the stadium, kris noticed sachin was missing and called up sachin's room.

    Sachin answered the phone, crying: "I can't get out of the room"

    Kris: "Why not?"

    Sachin: "There are only 3 doors in here, a bathroom door, a closet door, and one more with a sign which says 'Do Not Disturb'!"




    It is KBC & Sachin is on the 'hot seat' with the chance to win 1 Crore & 1 lifeline left - phone a friend.

    SRK: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
    Is it........
    A-Robin
    B-Sparrow
    C-Cuckoo
    D-Thrush"

    Sachin: "i'd like to phone a friend -- Sehwag, just to be sure"

    He rings up Sehwag & asks the question, to which Sehwag replies, 'C-Cuckoo'. Sachin promptly repeats it to SRK and wins 1 Crore
    ---
    That night while Sachin & Sehwag have a celebration,
    Sachin asks Sehwag: "Tell me Viru, How did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

    Sehwag: "Yaar, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock"

  9. #19
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    ..........................
    Dhoni & Sehwag after being thrown out of the team are talking -
    Dhoni wants to become a Lion Tamer & Sehwag against it.

    Sehwag: "What if the lion comes at you? What then?"

    Dhoni: "I'll take that chair they all carry, and I push him till he backs down"

    Sehwag: "What if the lion breaks the chair? What then?"

    Dhoni : "I'll take that whip they all carry, and I whip him till he backs down"

    Sehwag: "What if the lion bites that whip in two? What then?"

    Dhoni: "I'll take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him"

    Sehwag: "What if the gun doesn't work? What then?"

    Dhoni: "I'll pick up the shit in the cage, throw it in his eyes and run out of the cage"

    Sehwag: "What if there is no shit in the cage? What then?"

    Dhoni: "Well, that's dumb. Kyon ki ...
    if that lion comes at me,
    and he breaks the chair,
    and he bites the whip in two,
    and my gun don't work ...
    .
    there's going to be some shit in that cage, you can bet on that"

    The Indian Team is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels

    Some monkeys are climbing up, some down

    The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces

    The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes




    Sharad Pawar consults Ritambara of extraa innings fame.

    Rithambara says that the team is haunted and the only way to exorcise the team is to go to the haunted house near Mehrauli and requests the Bhoots there to leave the team alone.

    So, off went Pawar to the haunted house and came back.

    Rithambara: "Pawarji, tell me what happened"

    Pawar: "Well, I went in and talked to the Bhoots"

    Rithambara: "Did they agree to leave the team alone?"

    Pawar: "Agree? They said the team is haunted by a Bhoot, who is NOT a member of their Union"

    Ritambara: "What?...They've a union?....what happened then..."

    Pawar: "Then ... they gave ME an application form"




    Sachin wants to find out what is in Greg's report.
    He decides to break into Greg's room, but but by mistake ends up in some other room.

    As he is searching the desk, he spots a parrot and the parrot sees him.

    The Parrot: "Jesus is watching you!"

    Sachin: "Shut up!"

    The Parrot: "Jesus is watching you!"

    Sachin (fed up): "What's your name?"

    The Parrot: "Cornelius Jones"

    Sachin: "Who's the idiot who named a parrot Cornelius Jones?"

    The Parrot: "The same idiot who named the rottweiler behind you 'Jesus'!"



    Sachin & Saurav opens their brand new restaurant at Sydney.

    Waiting for guests, they spot a Koala wander into the restaurant, climb on the table and start eating.

    Thinking that it is a good omen, they serve whatever it wants.
    The Koala after ordering & eating all it can, starts to waddle away.

    Saurav, flustered, pulls the Koala back & says: "Hey, this is a restaurant, you've to pay"

    The Koala just shrugs, and tries to leave.

    At this, Saurav gets angry & pulls out a dictionary.

    He opens the page for restaurant & points it to Koala, "See, restaurant: A place where you eat food & pay"

    The Koala flips to the entry for koala, "See, koala: a marsupial from australia. eats leaves.



    Yuvraj and Harbajan went out hunting. This was Bhajji's first time ever hunting, so he was following Yuvi’s lead.

    Yuvi saw a herd of deer and told Bhajji to stay still & quiet, while he went after the deer!

    After a few minutes, Yuvi heard a loud scream.

    He ran back and asked: "Bhajji, why did u scream?"

    Bhajji: "There was this snake and he slithered across my feet, but I never screamed"

    Yuvi: "Then why did u scream?"

    Bhajji: "There was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed"

    Yuvi: "Then why did u scream?"

    Bhajji: "Well two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, 'Should we take them home or eat them now?'..."


    Ganguly, after being thrown out of the team, decides to do donkey-ranching.
    (Yeah, I know, but tell it to that ASS)

    He purchased a donkey from a donkey-farmer named 'Rana' for 1000 rupees.

    Rana agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.

    The next morning, Rana drove up and said: "Sorry, dada, the donkey died."

    Dada: "Well, just return my money to me"

    Rana: "Sorry, dada, I've already spent it."

    Dada: "OK then, just unload the donkey"

    Rana: "Whatcha gonna do with him?"

    Dada: "I'm going to sell him off in a lottery"

    Rana :"You can't sell off a dead donkey!"

    Dada: "Of course I can, I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

    A few weeks later, Rana met up with Saurav and asked, "So, dada, what happened with the dead donkey?"

    Dada: "I put up a lottery. I sold 500 tickets at 10 rupees a ticket and made a profit of 4000"

    Rana :"Didn't anyone complain?"

    Dada: "Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his 10 rupees back"

    Rana: "Still swindling the blue billion, I see"



    Yuvraj, Dhoni & Abhishek die and go to Heaven.
    St. Peter meets them at the Gates and says "Whatever you do, don't step on any ducks."

    The 3 are puzzled but proceed into Heaven, where they see ducks everywhere.

    In a matter of minutes, Yuvi steps on a duck.

    St Peter walks up with a hideously ugly woman, shackles her to Yuvi and says, "for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman"

    Sure enough, soon Dhoni steps on a duck

    Immediately St Peter comes and shackles him to another ugly woman

    From then on, Abishek become extremely careful

    But after a few months of not stepping on any ducks, St Peter walks up with Aishwarya Rai.

    He shackles Ash to Abhishek & leaves.

    Abhishek (stunned): "I don't know what I did to deserve this"

    Ash: "I don't know what you did bugger, but I stepped on a duck"




    Saurav decides to start a chicken farm after he was thrown out of the team. So he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.

    A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

    A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.

    "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said Saurav, "I think I'm planting them too deep."


    Sunny Gavaskar is sent as ICC technical director to Mexico for evaluation of local clubs.

    He goes to watch a bull fight and later, to the stadium restaurant for lunch. As he is trying to decide, Sunny sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

    The dish is spaghetti with two huge meat balls. When he asks, the Waiter says: "That is the Matador Special - Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!"

    Sunny: "That's what I'll have!"

    Waiter: "I'm very sorry senor, but the Matador Special is only one serving per day"

    Disappointed, Sunny plans to try again the next day.

    The next day he goes to the bull fight and then rushes to the restaurant. But he sees the Matador Special being served to another customer.

    So the next day, which is his last in Mexico, he skips the bull fight, and stands in line at the restaurant. He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims, "I'll have the Matador Special!"

    Soon afterwards, he is served and finishes it off.

    But then he complains: "The meat balls were disappointingly small. Very small, as a matter of fact, when compared to yesterday"

    Waiter: "I'm very sorry, senor, but the bull does not always lose!"


    Greg Chappell was leaving. Sehwag decided that he better get some final words of advice from the great man.

    Sehwag: "So, do you think my game has improved?"
    Greg: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now"

    Sehwag: "But, overall, how do you like my game?"
    Greg: "Very good, but personally, I prefer cricket"

    Sehwag: "Do you think it's a sin to practice on Sunday?
    Greg: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day.

    Finally, frustrated and feeling angry, says

    Sehwag: "You've got to be the worst coach in the world"
    Greg: "Don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence"


    Australia: Hum Worldcup Maarte hain..
    Newzeland: Hum Sixes maarte hain..
    Bangla Desh: Hum badi teamonko Maarte hai..
    India: Hum Jhak maarte hain..
    Paakistan: Hum to coach ko hi maarte hain..



    After the detailed analysis, our experts have found two main people to blame for Indian team's world cup failure
    ..........
    1. Indira gandhi (for creating Bangladesh)

    2. Hanuman.... (Not destroying Lanka completely)



    After the shameful defeat of Team India,
    the team members were not able to show their faces to people and they
    chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms.

    Dravid could not resist for too long to be in the hotel room
    and still not be able to go out shopping. So he disguises himself
    as a Sardar and goes out. He meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who
    greets him "Hi Dravid!"

    Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes himself up as
    amuslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out. Yet the same woman greets
    him "Hi Dravid!".

    Dravid comes back determined to give it yet another try with the make up
    of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain, the same lady catches him
    again and greets him "Hi Dravid!".

    Bewildered by now, he could not help asking, "How did you recognise me?"








    The lady replied - "I am Sachin!"

  10. #20
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    .........................................

    Sachin In Sari
    Sachin's wife: Go to market and buy some vegetables....
    Sachin : Now situation is not good, I am not going to market...
    Sachin's wife : Don't worry, wear my Saaree n go, no one can identify
    u....
    One Lady in the market identified sachin n asked "hi sachin how are
    u...?"
    Sachin(got shocked) : "How u identified tat I am sachin....?"

    Any guess wat tat lady tells.....??? .... ha....???
    .
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    ..
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    .
    ..
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    "HEY I AM DRAVID YAAR"...............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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