Things You Should've Learnt By Now


1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

38. Your friends love you anyway.

39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic

__________________

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me To get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough
Clothes for a week And set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh!
Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being The good wife she is, did exactly what her husband
asked. The following Weekend he came home Little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a Few Swordfish.

But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing Box.....

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.

Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink...?"



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A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the BIG MONEY, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic "Try to do it when the engine is running".

Life going backwards...

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for secondary school: drink alcohol, party, and are generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady," why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

__________________

What is the difference between girls aged:

8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?



At 8 - You take her to bed
and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story
and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story
to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story
and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story
to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed
to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed,
that'll be a story!!

lol... nice!

Women....

a woman visited a hospital...
the doctor...
after an examination...
sighed...
and said...
i've some bad news...
you have cancer...
so you'd best put your affairs in order...
the woman was shocked...
but managed to compose herself...
walked into the waiting room...
where her daughter had been waiting...
well sweetness...
we women celebrate when things are good...
we celebrate when things don't go well...
in this case...
things aren't well...
i have cancer...
let's head to the club and have a martini...
after 3 or 4 martinis...
the two were feeling a little less somber...
there were some laughs and more martinis...
they were eventually approached...
by some of the woman's old friends...
who were curious...
as to what the two were celebrating...
the woman told her friends...
they were drinking to her impending end...
i have been diagnosed with aids...
the friends gave the woman their condolences...
and they had a couple of more martinis...
after the friends left...
the woman's daughter leaned over...
and whispered...
mom...
i thought you said you were dying of cancer...
and you just told your friends...
you were dying of aids...
the woman said...
ya...
i don't want any of those bitc*hes...
sleeping with your father after i'm gone...

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."


Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men..... are men.

Brothers Drinking Custom
A reader e-mails from Vancouver with news from his local pub. A man walked in several weeks ago and ordered three pints of Guinness and sat in the back of the room, taking a sip from each one in turn. When he had finished all three pints, he returned to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender told him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The man replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm here. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember each other. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The man becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.


Then one day he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The man looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."